Tips for new dads from new dads
There’s understandably a ton of content out there for expecting moms and birthing parents, but not nearly enough for their partners–especially dads.
With this in mind, I polled some of my friends and partners who came to class, asking what tips they would share with expected dads and partners of birthing parents.
Here’s what they said:
“Bring lots of food to the hospital.”
- Sam, dad of a 4-month-old
Hospitals try their best – they may even offer a "fancy" meal for post-birth – but let's be real, it’s not fine dining. Pack like you're going on a road trip: bring your favorite snacks, drinks, and any other thing you need to get you through a very sleep-deprived adventure.
Side note: Be conscious of the fact that your partner may not be able to eat or drink after getting an epidural, and be respectful of smells in a confined space (my jalapeno beef jerky was delicious, but less appreciated by others).
“Take what you learn at the hospital with a grain of salt.”
- Nick, dad of a 12-week-old
You’ll get an overwhelming amount of intel while you’re at the hospital – like how to swaddle, breast or bottle feed, change diapers, and soothe your new, tiny human. But don’t worry if you can’t retain it all – you’ll keep (or relearn) what you and your baby need, and drop the rest.
“Nobody knows what they're doing – you’ll figure it out as you go.”
- Ari, dad of a 14-month-old
This kind of pertains to the last one, but it’s worth repeating. Even if you took all the notes in the hospital; even if you took those fancy pregnancy classes with your partner; even if this is your second (or third, or fourth!) child, each time is different. Every day is different. The more space you and your partner give yourselves and each other as you improvise and learn, the better.
“Make sure you get sleep, no matter what.”
- Robbie, dad of a 9-month-old
In the beginning, sleep is at a premium. You have to make space for you and your partner to rest – whether that’s when the baby’s napping, or by taking turns (or when family and friends come over to visit). Make sure to take care of each other so you can soak up as much sleep as possible.
“Try to plan ahead for what your life will be like once you go back to work.”
- Ryan, dad of a 4-month-old
The transition back to work when you have a newborn is… challenging. You still won’t be getting enough sleep, but you’ll be expected to work a full day. The weekend won’t feel like the weekend anymore (at least not at first), and if your partner’s been at home all day with the baby, they might be desperate for a break when you get home. The more preparation you can do in the days and weeks before you go back to work – whether it’s meal planning, or scheduling friend and family check-ins – the better. Don’t be shy asking for help – you’ll need it.
“Figuring out your new role as a dad is tough.”
- Adam, dad of an 18-month-old
We all feel overwhelmed by the prospect of being a new parent, but the ways in which it’s hard might surprise you. Like how sometimes you may feel left out if you can’t help feed the baby, or if you just aren’t sure when to step up, or how to have confidence in your own methods (especially if they are different from your wife’s). This leads me to…
“Don't lose track of what you loved before the baby, like your friends and your hobbies.”
- Tyler, dad of a 10-month old
This can feel like a tall order at first. Learning how to be a parent can take up all your mental and emotional space – plus when you’re exhausted, it’s hard to tap into what you used to be passionate about. Be patient with yourself through this transition, but don’t lose sight of your needs (and wants) entirely. Move slowly back to that old sense of self – even if it doesn’t look exactly the same as it did before, it matters.
“You might resent your baby for changing your relationship with your partner.”
- Dan, dad of a 14-month-old
Bringing home a child is literally welcoming a stranger into your home that does not know your social norms, speak your language, or care about your personal needs. This is going to have an impact on so many things, including your relationships. You may find yourself resenting your baby for that reason – the closeness you had has been filled, and your freetime feels nonexistent. For me, that changed to a deep and renewed sense of love within a few months – for both my baby and my wife. But be patient with yourself. This doesn’t happen on the same timeline for everyone, and it’s good to give space to process through the complicated transition.
“Take care of your mental health. Find a therapist. Find support.”
- Andrew, dad of a 15-month-old
When people talk about "postpartum depression," it's often framed from the perspective of the birthing parent. I learned firsthand that non-birthing parents can also have postpartum depression, and for men it can be a difficult thing to talk about or get help with.
From my own experience, the more I talked about it, the more I realized many of my dad friends had gone through similar experiences. My biggest takeaway was that it's okay to feel down, and the sooner you get help, the better. A licensed therapist, psychiatrist, or even your primary care doctor can help you – make the call. Have the initiating conversation. Get the help you need, and deserve.